There’s a cultural bias against single parents; an assumption that these households are less than, incomplete, and children suffer as a consequence.
In our first part of this story, Ms Deborah Nafula took us on a bitter-sweet journey of how she got pregnant at a young age and how she managed to raise her daughter as a single mother.
She now shares how she coped with society’s outlook on single motherhood and how Fathers can still be involved in the lives of their children even if they’re not physically there;
“In this era, the concept of ‘single motherhood’ has blown out of proportion to a very confusing status. The society has classified single mothers as outcasts; it is like a plague or some disease. This has made these women go to extremes just to prove to the world that they deserve respect just like any other human being in the society.
The society has turned a blind eye and chooses to assume that single mothers exist because these women were reckless enough to get pregnant while in relationships, not knowing that single motherhood comes at any point in life.
Some women become single mothers because of early and unplanned pregnancies, others from losing a spouse to death while in a happy marriage and others in broken relationships that lead to separation whether in marriage or not. To others it is so painful to even just mention the beastly inhumane actions that were done to them. All these situations leave one parent to take care of the child/children.
In my experience, I learnt that in whatever way these women became single moms, the fact that the woman chose to stay put and take care of her child, it already proves how strong they are. Women don’t have to prove it by showing off to everyone how they are super moms with amazing happy moment’s captured with their child. When things are tough it is not wrong to breakdown and cry, they don’t have to bottle feelings and wear a smile even when in pain. Unexpressed feelings never die. They are buried alive and come back later in uglier ways. Mothers don’t have to die in pain just to prove to the world that they are ‘ninjas’. Express feelings and the people who care about them will support them through it. They are already heroes in their children’s lives, that is more than enough.
Let the fight be between parents and not to involve children in the fight.
There is no need to poison children against their fathers to the extreme of calling the fathers dead while they are alive.
No matter what the man did, it is not wrong to get angry and frustrated, but let it be done at our own privacy and away from the child. As they grow up it will reach a time that they will ask about him. They deserve the truth, be bold enough to tell them the truth and it will be upon them to make their choices. We might not know but the children know the efforts and hard work moms put in to raise them. Their moms will always be their heroes and the fathers are the ones missing out not the children.
There is a time to get hurt and a time to heal. The healing process is not that easy but at some point someone has to let go the other. Women need to get back to their lives and be who they want to be, just because a man hurt you doesn’t mean the end of the world. It is a temporary situation that will come to pass; we are not broken but bent and will learn to love again. Mothers should give a chance to be loved again and the children to get love and protection from someone who really wants to be part of their lives even when they are not the biological father. They deserve a father figure in their life when possible.
They have been stereotyped into a special group where being a single mother puts one directly into the needy group. It is automatic that they need charity as long as they are single moms. It is healthy for community members to help one another in times of need. We have different needy people in our community that we have actually identified need help. Yes, there are single moms who need help; it should just not be stereotyped.
These women and their children are made to look like threats in the community. They are made to appear as bad influence to their peers, friends and colleagues. The society believes these women always want something and cannot be normal like be a peer, friend or colleague to someone else especially men. They are not trusted even when they get into a relationship. The entire community becomes part of that relationship pitying the man who wishes to marry a woman with a child. No one ever stops to think about the man who left his children. Wherever he is, isn’t he a father with children?
Where are these men who have the freedom to be who they want to be in life? Interact with whoever they wish at any level? Who can marry and have another family? Who have the guts to brag on how many children they have with several women, yet they have left responsibilities to the women and no one points a finger at them? Where are they?
It is not about being a mother or a father; it is about these children that we keep on hurting and breaking each day without knowledge.
The society has given names and tags: children born out of wedlock, outcasts, and illegal children to the point of forcing women to denounce their children just to be considered for marriage. The society is like a lion’s den to them, they are abandoned and left with no choice but to live with a step family which at times resents them making their lives living hell. Their rights are stripped off, even the most basic right to love simply because the father left and has another family and does not recognize the ‘illegal child’. The mother in a new relationship has to make a choice between her marriage and her child. Some mothers choose the new relationships over their children and others are bold enough to stand up for their children until the right man comes along, if not they stick to single motherhood.
The numbers are growing each day. In a recent research, Kenya has the highest levels of children born outside marriage in the continent placing us with the highest number of single homes with 30% below 18 years. Most of our young people have little access to sexual and reproductive health education, exposing them to risky behaviors with very ugly consequences. Our young boys and girls are overcome with peer pressure and fail to make informed decisions. They learn from the consequences that at times mess up their teenage years posing a threat to their future. Men abandon their responsibilities and walk away free leaving women to make tough choices that expose children to suffer the consequences. Our society is filled with broken and sore hearts, individuals, families and community. What morals are we teaching our children through our actions? Who will repair all these damages? Who will protect our future generation? Where are we heading to as a community, County, Country and Continent?
We all need to STOP AND THINK for a moment about our future generation. Parenting is nurturing and molding children into socially functioning individuals. As parents we are to promote, support our children physically, emotionally, socially, financially and intellectually from infancy to adulthood.
I’m a Christian; I will quote from The Bible, Psalms 127:3 ‘Behold children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward’.
I’m a Kenyan; The Kenyan Constitution : Chapter 4 – Bill of Rights ,Part 3 – Specific application of rights ,5(1) e – Children , clearly states ,Every child has a right to parental care and protection, which includes equal responsibility of the mother and father to provide for the child, whether they are married to each other or not; and,
A child born has all the rights to be loved by the father and mother that bore it. It doesn’t matter how it was begotten, whether in marriage or out of wedlock. It doesn’t matter whether the parents are together or separated, in good terms or bad terms. These children have a right to be loved, provided for and inherit wealth from their parents. All the other perspectives and perceptions from the society, wherever they come from, are just excuses for people to neglect their responsibilities. We owe our children, My child; my duty.
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